Review: Dragon's Dogma

Box Art

I had difficulty deciding what game to do for my first ever review because I have a several games on my plate at the minute, most of which are Star Wars related (and before any of you make a joke, I have touched a girl’s breast before, thank you very much!) I decided to go with Dragon’s Dogma because of its much anticipated expansion pack, Dark Arisen, coming out later this month. This month being April, incase you’re reading this in the future. Which raises the question, “Why are you only reading this now? Where was your support from the beginning? Asshole!” However, if you are reading this relatively close to when I published it, “Hello you sexy sexy reader! Welcome to my first review. Would you like some tea? A biscuit? Are you sitting comfortably? Yes? Excellent. I’ll begin then.”

Dragon’s Dogma is an open world action RPG with a hack ‘n’ slash combat system that was released in 2012 by well-established Japanese developers and publishers, Capcom. Right, that’s the boring stuff out of the way!

The game is set in the fantasy world of “They never fucking told me” or “If they did I didn’t take it in”. If you’re going out of your way to make a fantasy story then you should at least name the world that our character inhabits; or maybe we’ve just been spoiled by the J.R.R Tolkiens and George R.R. Martins of the world. Anyway, the story is: Dragon attacks your village – Dragon steals your heart – You become something called an Arisen – You have to go get your heart back from the dragon. That’s it. That’s all I got from the story. It wasn’t very clear.

Oh! And the dragon is called Grigori or Gregory or something…

In a nutshell, that’s the problem with Dragon’s Dogma’s narrative in general, it’s not very clear on anything. For example, when Gregory attacks your village you have some interaction with a woman just before he swoops down and burns everyone to a crisp but during the cutscene your relationship is never defined. It could have been my wife or it could have been my sister. No way to tell. After the attack you have a conversation with her in which she calls you, “cus”. “Ah!” I thought, “So I’m her cousin. Thank goodness that’s cleared up. That could’ve led to an awkward wank later” But then I continued my journey through the town and everyone was calling me, “cus”. So I came to the conclusion that this is one of those fucked up inbred towns where everyone is related but still continues to fuck each other. Or maybe “cus” is just what the villagers call each other and that last sentence is an insight into my fucked up mind.

Like most RPGs, Dragon’s Dogma’s narrative tends to suffer not only because of it vagueness but also because of the many…many…MANY sub-plots that takes place throughout the main plot, “a dragon stole my heart”. The “dragon stole my heart” plot arches over every subplot, but because of the immense number of them the main plot is spread too thin and by the time you’ve reached the next big development in the “dragon stole my heart” soap opera, you’ve forgotten what happened up to this point.

I’ve said “dragon stole my heart” so many times now I’m starting to think maybe Gregory is just misunderstood. Maybe he stole my heart because he’s just looking for companionship. Or he’s just looking to store his scaly cock in my virgin anus.

Before any of this even happens you get to create your character (it is an RPG after all) and from this Han the fighter was created. What? Were you expecting some silly and humorous? Maybe next time. There are three different classes to pick from at the beginning; fighter (which is different from a warrior), a strider (which is different from a ranger) and a mage (which is different from sorcerer). Now the difference between a fighter and a warrior is-

Actually, fuck this. It’s too complicated. It’s an RPG. You know this shit by now. There are three choices: sword, bow or magic. Pick one.

Before too long, you are introduced to the Pawn system and get to create a Pawn of your very own to accompany you through your quests and thus, the lovely blonde strider Tera was born to come on my adventures with me. The Pawns are described as “emotionless” and “empty vessels to be filled with knowledge”…understatement of the fucking year! (I might actually make that an End of Year Awards category). While out exploring Dragon’s Dogma’s big wide world my Pawn would shut the fuck up! Every tree, path, bird or dog turd Tera found she told me about it, and not just once. If I was travelling the same path but in the other direction she would point out the same piece of dog shit that was there before. However, I will give credit where it’s due and say that in combat the Pawn’s do learn and will give advice such as, “It’s weak against fire,” which can be a big help but just running about hearing, “I’m not much use here” or “This rock looks important” are not something I need  or want to hear. If you’re no use then why open your fucking mouth? And the only reason this rock looks important is because I’m using it to bludgeon you to death! Of course, if you prefer your trip to insanity to be a little quicker, you can have two more Pawns follow you.

Yes, it’s possible to have two other Pawns follow you about on your journey. To do this, all you need to do is go into a dark and suspicious room as a group of Pawn’s come out and stand there in such a way to ask, “You like what you see?” and if you don’t, you can send them away and have the next batch of Pawns sent out to inspect. All these Pawn are created by players around the world, all of which you can pick from, but the entire experience felt very much like an underground “massage” parlour where a happy ending isn’t an extra but mandatory. In case you can’t tell, I found the whole thing a little seedy and matters only got worse when, and I shit you not, a twelve year old looking female Pawn enter the dark dingy room. I mean what the actual fuck? I know Japan is into some weird shit but Jesus Christ, Capcom! Why is it possible to create a character to look like a preteen? Then again what can I expect from a country where you can find vending machines that give out used girls’ underwear which are probably sniffed more than this tube of super glue in front me.

Why is this even an option?

Needless to say, I grabbed Tera and my two newly acquired preteen sex slaves and got the fuck out of there and set out toward adventure.

And to my surprise there was quite a lot of it. Although Capcom’s story department may be too busy putting used underwear on their head and taking a big whiff to write a half decent story, their designers sure weren’t.

Dragon’s Dogma’s biggest asset is its combat because, unlike most RPGs which are all about numbers, there is skill involved in the combat this game. I can’t speak for all classes but as a fighter I had to dodge, block, attack etc. and when the sword connects with your opponent it looks like there is good weight behind your blow; not only that but your skills/spells are easy to pull off and entertaining to watch happen which sucked, because playing with a controller means your choices are limited to four skills at any one time. During combat is where the Pawns really starts to show their worth as their AI is surprisingly helpful in a fight and they react quickly when I order a double team attack. There was just something about launching Tera into the air to  grab a Harpy’s leg, have her drag it down to the ground just long enough for me to run my sword through its feathery throat that made the front of my trousers unusually tight.

Then there is the ability to grab onto larger enemies and climb on them during combat so you can go up to their face and stick your cock in their eye to do maximum damage. Although I joke, it does work really well and you really do feel as though doing this has an effect on the enemy; which is a big contrast to Shadow of Colossus where it felt like you were doing as much damage as an ant with a toothpick. However, climbing on smaller enemies can just looks bizarre. I found this out whilst climbing a Griffin and he starting flailing furiously to get me off (teehee) and it looked reminiscent of the family dog playing with your little sister’s Ken doll.

My biggest issue with the game is the lack of guidance it offers when it comes to the missions you can do. I understand it’s an open world game and that it allows the player to proceed whatever path he/her wants but still a little hint along the lines of, “Hey, maybe you want to level up before you do this mission” would have been lovely and saved me dying more times than a comic book character. I was sent on a quest to rescue my cousin/sister/lover from a place called Witchwood but on the way there I ran into a group of bandits. “Aha! Villains! I am an Arisen. You don’t stand a chance,” I thought as I lunged at their leader; sword swinging wildly. Little did I know that he was several levels above me and I might as well be hitting him on the head with a baguette. An uncooked baguette. In seconds he had sliced me into little Arisen cubes and used my baguette sword to turn me into a tastey sandwich. Come on, Dragon’s Dogma! I’m a hero but yet I get made into lunch by some cutthroats. Not to mention just fifteen minutes ago I skull fucked an ogre!

So basically, if you’re turned off by the trial-and-error of how Dragon’s Dogma handles its missions then this probably isn’t the game for you. Also, the story definitely isn’t anything to rave about, I guess there is enough there to give everything purpose and keep you going from fight to fight but it’s in those battles that you’ll have so much fun you’ll find yourself stabbing you big phallic sword into an goblin’s face so many times that’d it’d even give Freud food for thought.

 And before anyone asks, no I didn’t finish the game before reviewing it. “Oh but that’s not professional…” Fuck professional! You want professional? Fuck off to Gamespot. A good game should be like a good book or film and grab the player/viewer/reader’s attention at the beginning and that is where Dragon’s Dogma fails. I’m sure you’ll get used to its flaws over time but a lot of people will have stopped playing before that time comes.

Now excuse me, I have to go and explore some dark caves with my twelve year old sex slaves…I mean Pawns.

“I thought she was eighteen, man! I thought she was eighteen!”

Hans Davis