Review: Dragon Age 2

Dragon Age 2

Today’s review is sponsored by the number 0.5, ½, 2/4, 3/6 or half. As in half-assed. To be used in a sentence “Dragon Age 2 is half-assed”. It was not the sequel that fans of the franchise wanted and should not have settled for. I played Dragon Age 2 when it first came out and really enjoyed it, putting it up in my “favourite games of all times” category with such classics as Red Dead Redemption and Big Bob’s Booty Bitches Bouncy Castle.

Shockingly enough, one of those games is made up!

Dragon Age 2 is a 2011 action RPG developed by Bioware and published by EA. “Hold on!” I hear you cry to your computer screen, “Isn’t that the same partnership that brought the epic Mass Effect series?” Firstly, stop talking to your computer it’s not going to provide the companionship you’re too afraid to go out and find in the real world. Secondly, yes it is. Which might actually answer why Dragon Age 2 (and even Dragon Age: Origins) feels, say it with me folks, “half-assed!”

When it came to Dragon Age: Origins, I understood EA’s reluctance to put money into a new IP since it was being developed by their lapdogs at Bioware and didn’t want them to take their attention off the money magnet known as Mass Effect. It showed in the final game too but even through second-rate graphics, technical issues and rather standard combat mechanics, Dragon Age: Origins did well for itself. It was the under-dog that fought and won against bigger opponents because it implemented unique ideas and provided a gripping story set in an immersive dark fantasy world. After the success of the first game, you would the money diving rods securely stored in the front of EA’s CEO’s boxers would have perked up and he would have seen there was a lot of money to be made with Dragon Age if they would have put more faith in it. But they didn’t and it’s horrendously obvious throughout Dragon Age 2.

Dragon Age 2 is so poor that it eats cereal with a fork so save money on cereal. Dragon Age 2 is so poor that it created a gmail account just so it could eat the spam. Dragon Age 2 is so poor it can’t even afford to pay attention. I hope I’ve made my point clear. This game needed more money.

You may think I’m exaggerating but for most of the side missions you revisit the same areas up to three or four times. I’m all for recycling but…actually I’m not. I hate it! And this game is the reason I hate it! “Hey, like this cave’s narrow corridors? You better! Cause you’re going to see it ten more times!” Not only that but I faced the exact same big boss baddy in the exact same spot twice. I thought the whole point of big boss baddies was to be a unique and challenging encounter that’s memorable? I don’t recall Luke Skywalker having to kill Darth Vader twice or John McClaine throwing Hans Gruber out of two skyscrapers.

Don't put a sex-doll in your game/movie.
Unless it's Megan Fox. Then it's cool.

The game is significantly better looking than is predecessor, partially due to its more stylised approached to the art work and graphics, however, a big part of the Dragon Age games, and in fact all Bioware game, is the dialogue between characters. It is during these conversations the camera gets uncomfortably close to the two involved, some needs to tell the camera about personal space. Now, a word to all future game developers out there: if you are going to go out of your way to write THAT much dialogue and have the camera go in THAT close, atleast put more effort into animating your characters faces. Dragon Age 2 characters only really have two expressions: regular or sex doll surprised. Which is a real shame because there are some heart breaking moments in the game: a young elf girl exiled by her clan, the slow loss of Hawke’s (main character) family and how his comrades become his adopted-family. What’s even more bizarre is the fact that the voice acting is really good in the game, so there are bizarre situations where a character is giving a passionate monologue but it’s coming out the mouth of a stone-faced prepubescent elf.

The writing throughout the game is actually very good but it’s formatted weirdly. The narrative is set into three acts with constant themes running throughout. This isn’t unseen in video games, just look at The Witcher 2 but the three acts are too disjointed and up feeling like three different stories with the same characters. It’d be like if Peter Jackson took a well-loved book, like The Hobbit, and turned it into three films instead one. Oh…

The main issue with the story is that it’s a completely separate story from Origins which had a lot of questions unanswered, even after all the DLC and extra bits clumsily glued on. What happened to Morrigan? If your Grey Warden survived, what did he end up doing? Did King Alistair ever get funnier? These are the things we need to know, apparently, and because they are left completely untouched it leaves a big nasty smear on this games narrative.

The interesting characters are still there: Slutty, Saddy, Angry, Bitchy, Sissy (or Bro-y depending on your starting class), Ditzy and Varric. What? You thought I would give the dwarf a name similar to those seen in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves? You racist motherfucker!

The characters do well to carry the more boring bits of the game by adding the occasional witty one-liner or bantering amongst themselves during your travels. Infact, the frequency has been upped which is probably the only thing EA and Bioware actually listened to the fans about.  Also, in traditional Bioware fashion you can pick one of your companions and boink their brains out, making their decision to go with blow-up doll expressions much more obvious. Taking a page from real life I decided to go with the Pirate slut who treated me like crap and had commitment issues. We flirted. We had sex. We slaughtered Darkspawn in the shadow of Sundermount. Then she left. Toward the end of Act Two she left me.

I’m sorry but don’t we play videogames for escapism? Why would I want to deal with the fact my virtual girlfriend left me when I could do that with my real-life girlfriend? Ya know…IF I HAD ONE!

Now let’s talk about the sequel’s biggest accomplishment that really did stand the test of time and that is the combat. Never has a game with the title “action RPG” actually gone and blended the hack-and-slash elements of an action game (like God of War) with the RPG elements of…well, an RPG (like World of Warcraft) so well. They nailed it. Final Fantasy take note! The combat is fun and engaging, none of the “auto-attack” shit! The abilities you pull off are flashy and visually impressive making each battle a spectacle, maybe too much so as there was a number of times my Xbox360 had to pause to regain its breath leading to the game freezing momentarily. Also, the fighting felt different between classes: warriors felt powerful as they could obliterate enemies into a fine red mist, rogues felt stealthy as they were better for getting behind single enemies then sliding a dagger up an enemies unprepared anus and the mages felt more tactical having to stay out of the fray and launch different spells where they were needed.

It was during combat I was the saddest though because it shows what Dragon Age 2 could have been if it had received proper support. It could have moulded what Action RPGs of the future would be like and not ended up the unloved middle child, as it probably will because Dragon Age: Inquisition (basically Dragon Age 3) is shaping up nicely.

Mr. EA take my advice and leave your wife, Mrs. Mass Effect for your sexy little bit-on-the-side Ms. Dragon Age because it will do dirty stuff that your wife can’t even begin to imagine. I’m sorry to tell you this but a lot of your friends don’t even like your wife anymore because the last dinner party she held left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. Maybe now that Mrs. Mass Effect is as good as dead Ms. Dragon Age will get a bit more attention.