Review: Dragon Age 2

Dragon Age 2

Today’s review is sponsored by the number 0.5, ½, 2/4, 3/6 or half. As in half-assed. To be used in a sentence “Dragon Age 2 is half-assed”. It was not the sequel that fans of the franchise wanted and should not have settled for. I played Dragon Age 2 when it first came out and really enjoyed it, putting it up in my “favourite games of all times” category with such classics as Red Dead Redemption and Big Bob’s Booty Bitches Bouncy Castle.

Shockingly enough, one of those games is made up!

Dragon Age 2 is a 2011 action RPG developed by Bioware and published by EA. “Hold on!” I hear you cry to your computer screen, “Isn’t that the same partnership that brought the epic Mass Effect series?” Firstly, stop talking to your computer it’s not going to provide the companionship you’re too afraid to go out and find in the real world. Secondly, yes it is. Which might actually answer why Dragon Age 2 (and even Dragon Age: Origins) feels, say it with me folks, “half-assed!”

When it came to Dragon Age: Origins, I understood EA’s reluctance to put money into a new IP since it was being developed by their lapdogs at Bioware and didn’t want them to take their attention off the money magnet known as Mass Effect. It showed in the final game too but even through second-rate graphics, technical issues and rather standard combat mechanics, Dragon Age: Origins did well for itself. It was the under-dog that fought and won against bigger opponents because it implemented unique ideas and provided a gripping story set in an immersive dark fantasy world. After the success of the first game, you would the money diving rods securely stored in the front of EA’s CEO’s boxers would have perked up and he would have seen there was a lot of money to be made with Dragon Age if they would have put more faith in it. But they didn’t and it’s horrendously obvious throughout Dragon Age 2.

Dragon Age 2 is so poor that it eats cereal with a fork so save money on cereal. Dragon Age 2 is so poor that it created a gmail account just so it could eat the spam. Dragon Age 2 is so poor it can’t even afford to pay attention. I hope I’ve made my point clear. This game needed more money.

You may think I’m exaggerating but for most of the side missions you revisit the same areas up to three or four times. I’m all for recycling but…actually I’m not. I hate it! And this game is the reason I hate it! “Hey, like this cave’s narrow corridors? You better! Cause you’re going to see it ten more times!” Not only that but I faced the exact same big boss baddy in the exact same spot twice. I thought the whole point of big boss baddies was to be a unique and challenging encounter that’s memorable? I don’t recall Luke Skywalker having to kill Darth Vader twice or John McClaine throwing Hans Gruber out of two skyscrapers.

Don't put a sex-doll in your game/movie.
Unless it's Megan Fox. Then it's cool.

The game is significantly better looking than is predecessor, partially due to its more stylised approached to the art work and graphics, however, a big part of the Dragon Age games, and in fact all Bioware game, is the dialogue between characters. It is during these conversations the camera gets uncomfortably close to the two involved, some needs to tell the camera about personal space. Now, a word to all future game developers out there: if you are going to go out of your way to write THAT much dialogue and have the camera go in THAT close, atleast put more effort into animating your characters faces. Dragon Age 2 characters only really have two expressions: regular or sex doll surprised. Which is a real shame because there are some heart breaking moments in the game: a young elf girl exiled by her clan, the slow loss of Hawke’s (main character) family and how his comrades become his adopted-family. What’s even more bizarre is the fact that the voice acting is really good in the game, so there are bizarre situations where a character is giving a passionate monologue but it’s coming out the mouth of a stone-faced prepubescent elf.

The writing throughout the game is actually very good but it’s formatted weirdly. The narrative is set into three acts with constant themes running throughout. This isn’t unseen in video games, just look at The Witcher 2 but the three acts are too disjointed and up feeling like three different stories with the same characters. It’d be like if Peter Jackson took a well-loved book, like The Hobbit, and turned it into three films instead one. Oh…

The main issue with the story is that it’s a completely separate story from Origins which had a lot of questions unanswered, even after all the DLC and extra bits clumsily glued on. What happened to Morrigan? If your Grey Warden survived, what did he end up doing? Did King Alistair ever get funnier? These are the things we need to know, apparently, and because they are left completely untouched it leaves a big nasty smear on this games narrative.

The interesting characters are still there: Slutty, Saddy, Angry, Bitchy, Sissy (or Bro-y depending on your starting class), Ditzy and Varric. What? You thought I would give the dwarf a name similar to those seen in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves? You racist motherfucker!

The characters do well to carry the more boring bits of the game by adding the occasional witty one-liner or bantering amongst themselves during your travels. Infact, the frequency has been upped which is probably the only thing EA and Bioware actually listened to the fans about.  Also, in traditional Bioware fashion you can pick one of your companions and boink their brains out, making their decision to go with blow-up doll expressions much more obvious. Taking a page from real life I decided to go with the Pirate slut who treated me like crap and had commitment issues. We flirted. We had sex. We slaughtered Darkspawn in the shadow of Sundermount. Then she left. Toward the end of Act Two she left me.

I’m sorry but don’t we play videogames for escapism? Why would I want to deal with the fact my virtual girlfriend left me when I could do that with my real-life girlfriend? Ya know…IF I HAD ONE!

Now let’s talk about the sequel’s biggest accomplishment that really did stand the test of time and that is the combat. Never has a game with the title “action RPG” actually gone and blended the hack-and-slash elements of an action game (like God of War) with the RPG elements of…well, an RPG (like World of Warcraft) so well. They nailed it. Final Fantasy take note! The combat is fun and engaging, none of the “auto-attack” shit! The abilities you pull off are flashy and visually impressive making each battle a spectacle, maybe too much so as there was a number of times my Xbox360 had to pause to regain its breath leading to the game freezing momentarily. Also, the fighting felt different between classes: warriors felt powerful as they could obliterate enemies into a fine red mist, rogues felt stealthy as they were better for getting behind single enemies then sliding a dagger up an enemies unprepared anus and the mages felt more tactical having to stay out of the fray and launch different spells where they were needed.

It was during combat I was the saddest though because it shows what Dragon Age 2 could have been if it had received proper support. It could have moulded what Action RPGs of the future would be like and not ended up the unloved middle child, as it probably will because Dragon Age: Inquisition (basically Dragon Age 3) is shaping up nicely.

Mr. EA take my advice and leave your wife, Mrs. Mass Effect for your sexy little bit-on-the-side Ms. Dragon Age because it will do dirty stuff that your wife can’t even begin to imagine. I’m sorry to tell you this but a lot of your friends don’t even like your wife anymore because the last dinner party she held left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. Maybe now that Mrs. Mass Effect is as good as dead Ms. Dragon Age will get a bit more attention.

Review: Star Wars - Knights of the Old Republic II: Sith Lords

Box Art

On 6^th May 2013, EA and Disney announced a multi-year deal that EA would be producing core Star Wars games and being a raging queen for a juicy bit of gossip it inspired me to do my second review, this time on Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: Sith Lords (hereby known as KOTOR 2 because life is too short) and what most people consider to be one of the last good Star Wars games.

I was hesitant about reviewing this game because it was developed by Obsidian Entertainment, who I haven’t seen eye-to-eye in a couple of years. It all started with the unplayable Fallout: New Vegas, and I don’t just mean it was bad. It was literally unplayable due the game’s number of bugs and instability, which was a massive disappointment to me as Fallout 3 still remains one of my all-time favourite games. I’m also a huge South Park fan, so knowing that Obsidian is working on South Park: The Stick of Truth has me worried; seriously if they fuck up that game, I’m going to kill all the developers’ parents and turn them into chilli.

Anyway, let’s get on with it…

KOTOR 2 is a roleplaying game released in 2004 by American developers Obsidian Entertainment and was the company’s first major release. It was also the sequel to Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, which garnered praise from both critics and the public.

It’s a sequel, so a lot of comparisons can (and probably will) be drawn between the two games, such as the opening of the games. The very first thing you do is create a character, choose a class…yadda yadda yadda RPG stuff. You’re then thrown into the tutorial. Now, in the original KOTOR the tutorial takes place on a spaceship that is being attacked by the Sith, so you’re given a blaster or a sword and are told to massacre everyone wearing a suit of armour. A simple, fun and effective tutorial.

KOTOR 2 does not do this.

The tutorial starts on your ship, The Ebon Hawk, that is broken down and idling floating through space; you have to fix it. Now, here is my first issue with the game, even though you just spent hours (okay, more like minutes. This is 2004 character customisation options, not Skyrim) you don’t play as you’re character during the tutorial. You play as T3-M4, some R2-D2 wannabe droid. Admittedly, this isn’t a problem at this point because you’re allowed to skip the tutorial but there are points later on in the game where you are forced into the role of your crewmates. I’m playing an RPG! Let me use my own character so I can pretend it’s me! More importantly, I’m playing a Star Wars game, let me play as a fucking Jedi! Who wants to play as a goddamn droid? The film is called Return of the Jedi, not Return of the R2 Unit.

This hatred for my crewmates when playing as them, is not helped by the combat system. It is the typical RPG/MMORPG system where you click on an enemy and watch the numbers go down as they auto-attack each other, occasionally pressing a button to do a special attack and make the numbers go down faster. Honestly, I’ve had more excitement during a wank than in this combat system. There was a segment of the game that especially got on my generously portioned man-tits when I was playing as a droid named HK-47, who can best be described as “what if C3-PO had post-traumatic stress disorder and just fucking lost it one day?”, and I was fighting other HK units. Both myself and my adversaries were using blaster rifles, standing at either end of the room firing at each other. Yet none of us were able to hit each other. I even moved up, to mere inches from opponents, and their shots were still able to miss my metallic frame by miles. I don’t think I can ever look at a Sci-Fi film that mentions machines taking over the world without snorting at it dismissively, like that one hot girl I asked to dance at my formal….bitch. Well, whose winning now? Huh? You’re off having the time of your life and Im writing a blog on Star Wars.

Aw, I just made myself sad.

No matter how frustrating my crewmates were to play as, talking to them on the ship was always something I looked forward to after every mission because you learnt more about them and their backstory, all of which were fascinating. Well, most of them were. One or two of them were so dull and boring that I gave up on them after a view conversations, which came back to bite me in surprisingly taught ass. In the penultimate mission there was a huge twist with one of these “boring” characters that made him instantly interesting but it was too late to go back and converse with him because I had enter endgame. Oh, if only I’d listened to my mother and not judged a book by its cover.

There is more than just your crewmates’ backstories to get out of talking to them as Obsidian do a good job of giving purpose to these conversation as you can learn abilities off them or, and this is the real selling point, turn a majority of them into Jedi. If you max out your friendship with a character you can convert them into a Jedi. Unfortunately, it’s not all of your team that can be converted, just the humans, which came as a huge disappointment to me as I would have loved to have my waist high T3-M4 droid out on the battlefield dishing out lightsaber assisted vasectomies to my enemies. Not only this but your crewmates also start to reflect your force alignment, whether you’re lightside or darkside but all this adds up to is them looking normal (lightside) or them reliving their gothic phase from their youth (darkside).  

Handmaiden (light)

Handmaiden (dark)

So, narrative is definitely one of Obsidian’s stronger qualities and it’s not just your band of merry men that are the better for it but the overarching game narrative will leave the front of your pants sticky too. Obsidian don’t allow the story to fall into the usual problem that comes with Star Wars, which is everything is so distinct. Jedi are good. Sith are bad. Everyone else can piss off. Instead, KOTOR 2’s story deals with the middle/neutral ground which is normally the boring and least prosperous route, especially in games with a morality system. But KOTOR 2 doesn’t do that; instead it looks at the positive aspects of being morally ambiguous, the big one being is complete freedom. Instead of forgiving this man who has made very chauvinistic remarks to my female companion, as a Jedi is taught to do, I can cut off his dick with my lightsaber and make him perform fellatio on himself. Problem solved!  What helps reinforce this neutral story is the representation of everyone else in the galaxy; they’re dicks. The Jedi are dicks. The Sith are dicks. Bounty hunters are dicks. Even the everyday pedestrians are dicks. While travellingon Nar Shadda, I gave a beggar a couple of credits because he was down on his luck, I took two steps away and some asshole came up, killed him and took his money. Dicks!

It’s this amazing way that Obsidian has handled neutrality and what is usually a very difficult element of a game’s narrative and really nailed it, which makes me think this is one of the aspects that KOTOR 2 surpasses KOTOR.

Which is a good thing because I’m not sure I can sit through another game where Bioware, developers of the original KOTOR, rehash the same story but in a different game. Honestly, look at KOTOR, Mass Effect and Dragon Age: Origins. They are the same story. “User created character has to join an elite group (Jedi/Spectres/Grey Wardens) and defeat an ancient evil (Sith/Reapers/Dark Spawn). I once criticised Capcom for having a poor writers but at least they actually tried!

Try and unsee this!

KOTOR 2 had some big shoes to fill being the sequel to KOTOR but honestly, Obsidian did a great job (that was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to type.) It makes me wonder what changed that they went from making games like KOTOR 2 to a buggy mess like Fallout: New Vegas. If I haven’t convinced you yet, know that unlike my review for Dragon’s Dogma I actually completed KOTOR 2 which clocks in at over thirty hours of gameplay, so that should tell you something.

It’s unfortunate that we may never see a KOTOR 3, especially with EA taking over all Star Wars games for the foreseeable future. I guess my Luke Skywalker/Han Solo fan fictions will have to tide me over until EA make a move.

“Oh! I never thought a lightsaber could be used in that way.”

Hans Davis